The beginning to an end

We all want that model body and the perfect hair or skin. But we don't want the work that comes with it. I've been lazy. I want my perfect 100lbs body back but I don't want to work for it. No one ever wants to work for the perfect life. I have made so many excuses for how I am. I'm done with excuses. Today is the last day I will be eating like shit or not taking care of my self. I will be blogging my journey. Honest hard real life situation that I am in. It will be a struggle. But it is one I am more then willing to take. Fully commit to it. 

Jai Ho!

There is always that thought in the back of my mind of "What If"?

What would have happen if I would have tried just a little bit harder? What if I had done more things that were selfless. What would have happen if I never let you go?

There is nothing in my mind. Literally. As I try to write at this moment, my mind wonders to you. Its always you. I know deep down, that it would never work. That no matter how hard I try to please you, I could never be enough. I oil and your my water. We don't mix what's so ever. But yet, your my drug. My high that I can never get enough of. Its more then butterflies are this point. Its pins and needles, that gut wrenching feeling. At first it might have been butterflies. Maybe. I don't know if I was ever at that stage. I wouldn't have even called it love. It was lust. Man oh man was I in lust with you. There might have been a split second when I questions maybe a future with you. For those few seconds, I though maybe after all the years of knowing you, it would be more then friends.

I was wonder what's going on In that head of yours. Typical girl thoughts really. Did you really like me or was I just another challenge to you for you to see if you could get into my pants? Was I an actual human to you or a piece of ass. That's what I dread. I thought you'd be here longer then a day. Because that's all it took you. A day. Less then 24 hours for you to prove to me that you are EXACTLY like every single guy I have ever known. I think that's guilt. I feel I did this to myself. I should have done so many things different. Maybe then. Maybe then things would be different. Maybe instead of another girl to add to your list, it could have been something more. Maybe. Ive known you for years. You've never changed. You've caused pain. Maybe I was a bitch. But you were that asshole that kept drawing me back.

You were that high that I simply cant get enough of.



Maybe deep down. I do love you. Maybe deep down, I still hold that hope that things could change. That maybe, you'll see... Just maybe.



Maybe I will just show you what your missing.